The following is a contributor article by Neer Tiwari: Is snoring ruining your relationship? Though this may seem like a w...
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Too Picky, and Then Some
One of the biggest problems in the dating site world is that there are simply too many options. Many times, people will get to the point where they'll start to dissect profiles, from the summaries, to the pictures, and everything else in between. When we have too many options as far as dating someone goes, many times we wind up taking the high road, and not dating anyone. I'm not really sure if that's the high road, but I think you follow. This is one of the main reasons that one of many singles' biggest pet peeves of flaking during early dating happens, and especially, when you've met the person from a dating site. People start to become hesitant, question everything, and then they're likely to have so many options that they start to perceive that "the grass is always greener" so to speak, and they end up canceling, or disappearing completely. This happens so much when people date someone that they've met online, and "the grass is always greener" is usually the reason why.
It seems that many people are starting to look for perfect situations, instead of promising situations with potential. I can't tell you how imperative it is that we don't get caught up in the amount of profiles that there are, the amount of emails that we may get, and in the amount of people that ask us out. It's important to weed through the profiles that seem more appealing to us, as opposed to the ones that come across as far beyond less appealing. When you look at profiles on a dating site they should fall into three different categories, "yes', no's, and maybe's." G-d forbid if the person you end up with came from your decided group of maybe's. Ouch, would that hurt the other person's ego!
Dating people from a dating site is not only challenging, but at times, it can be very deflating as well. I always write about how it's essential for people to know what they want, have an idea of what they're looking for, know what works for them, and what doesn't in a relationship. As well, I've written about how it's a really good thing when someone is picky, and how great it is to know your worth, and not to settle for less than what you really want. I've even written about how being too picky can be a really great thing. However, many times people take being too picky overboard, and they start to dissect every little thing. The dating site world can get overwhelming, and especially when a person gets a lot of emails, winks, flirts, and whatnot, so it's important to put everyone into those three categories. You should remove the definite no's, and start giving situations a chance, without picking on every minor detail that you might not absolutely love. Remember, no one is going to be perfect. It's important to keep in mind that as you're weeding through profiles, separating them into the three categories, you should understand that you can't tell what a person's personality is like merely through a profile, or through pictures alone.
As I've written before, and I'll write it again, no one should be emailing back-and-forth like pen pals for too long. It shouldn't take more than two or three emails total, before figuring out whether you can have one phone call together, and do the voice test. It's important to see how compatible you are, at least in that one phone call, and so that you can see whether not you can plan a first date. You shouldn't get so picky that you get to the point where you don't accept any dates, because then you're just at a place where you're thinking you're too good for the world. If you do so, it's likely because you've picked apart every profile, dissected them intensively, and you're not giving anyone a real shot, or giving them a chance at seeing how compatible you'll be outside of the dating site world.
I don't believe in going out on pointless dates, where you already know that you likely won't be a match. However, if you find yourself never accepting first phone calls or first dates at all, then the problem is likely with you, and you're taking being too picky overboard. The only way to find your best possible match is to give situations a chance that seem promising. The difference between what you might be doing and what you should be doing might be as simple as changing what you might view as an acceptable date versus an unacceptable date. Not everyone is a great writer, and therefore not everyone is going to write an amazing summary in their online profile. As well, not everyone has perfect George Clooney or Angelina Jolie looks. It takes talking, and getting to know a person before judging them completely, based solely on their looks, without getting to know their personality as well. A good personality can literally take ugly to beautiful, so it's important not to judge solely on looks. As I've repeatedly stated before, the fire and chemistry should always be there, and attraction is a must, but attraction is not solely based on appearance. It's important to change your possibly distorted way of thinking and outlook towards what you view as an acceptable first date, and especially when you're not accepting any of them.
It's important not to nitpick every profile to the point that they all become as unappealing as the next. Separate the profiles into three different categories, and despite the fact that you might be narcissistic, and really enjoy knowing that you've gotten thousands of emails, it's important to delete the profiles you're not interested in from your search. Depending on the dating site, and how many messages you're allowed to get, it shouldn't be about quantity, but quality instead, so delete the profiles that are definite no's. In the real world, it doesn't matter how many people like your photos, favourite you, or send you emails, when you're not truly interested in them. If you feel that it's too late, and your emails, likes, and people that have favourited you are too many, and at the point of becoming overwhelming, then it's important to start deleting now, and in the future, because it won't be anything more than distracting to you while searching for your match. Remember, weed out the no's, and choose between the yes's and maybe's as to which people you'd like to email with, and from there, take it to the next level, exchange numbers, and have an open mind during your first phone call conversation.
Remember, everyone is hoping to meet the love of their life, and if the dating site scene isn't used in the right manner, it not only won't bring you the love that you've been dreaming of, but it could end up bringing you a sense of pessimism, lack of hope, lack of faith, or you might even become jaded in regards to finding true love. I'd highly recommend taking the advice that I give in the 3 date rule, and turning off your dating sites after a few dates when you see that something has enough potential to become a promising new situation. It's important to give situations a chance when they appear to be promising, and not to turn every person away, because they don't appear to be perfect in their online profile. You're not supposed to date perfect, but you should strive for dating promising. In other words, situations that appear to be promising, and you start to sense feelings of hope returning are the types of situations that you should be saying yes to the dates of. You shouldn't be searching for perfection, but what you should be searching for is something promising, that shows signs of potential.
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