When my sweet baby boy was born, I thought the only thing standing between "alone time" with my husband was the first six weeks postpartum before you are cleared by the doctor. After all, what else could possibly get in the way? Babies like to sleep a lot, so I figured we'd have plenty of time to spend together during our son's naptime.
I. Was. Wrong.
Many of my friends with older children had warned me of a phenomenon where their sons were territorial of their mothers. This included their sons attempting to break up physical contact between them and their husbands and their sons proposing to them.
Naturally, with my son being a newborn, I assumed I would have a little more time before this stage in my son's life began. We soon learned that this wasn't the case. Every time my husband got within a few feet of me, our son would make his presence and disapproval known with grunts, wiggles or cries.
After awhile, we decided it was time to get a strategy in place if we were ever going to have hopes of touching each other again, let alone get the chance to give our son a sibling. Armed with a plan, we set to work. My job was to nurse our son to sleep and put him in his crib without waking him up. The next step was to back away slowly and then wait to see if he would wake up.
We were successful! He was asleep and appeared to be staying that way. After a sigh of relief, we scampered away quietly to go cuddle on the couch. We waited a few more minutes to make sure he wasn't going to wake up and then, satisfied that he was asleep, we snuggled in and tried to work through the "I-just-pushed-a-baby-out-of-this-thing-and-you-want-me-to-do-what" jitters.
Lo and behold, our completely PG-13 thoughts were pierced through with a shrill cry of an abandoned baby. As we went to go rescue our little bundle of joy from his confining baby jail, tears were already springing from his eyes. We held him and assured ourselves that this must be a one-time thing, that it couldn't be that hard to set apart some time for conjugal dates with a baby in the house.
Since then, we have come to the realization that it is, in fact, that hard to spend time together with a baby. We have also decided that this must have been exactly why babysitters were invented. After months and months of our sweet baby reminding us that abstinence is the best way to prevent pregnancy through his thoughtful screeches, wails, and the occasional leg flailing into the family jewels, we lovingly knighted him "Captain Abstinence".
Despite him only having 8 months of experience, Captain Abstinence is good at his job. We are thinking about hiring Captain Abstinence out so that others may benefit from his services and expertise. If you'd like to hire him to make sure your teenager doesn't get pregnant, just let us know.