The Damage of Being Lied to in Relationships

When it comes to having a happy and healthy relationship, certain fundamentals must be there. These fundamentals are like the pillars...

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Letter to Lover

The scenario: 

There's a couple, and they love each other tremendously. They've spent a long time together, and have developed a true, and beautiful love and foundation with one another. The problem is that they're both very sensitive people, they get hurt easily, and they react out of a place of hurt, ego, and love, rather than taking the time to sort out between what's logical, and what's emotional. So they break up a lot, and get back together.

As well as being sensitive, the couple has a few issues. His family doesn't accept her, or want her with their son, As well, there have been quite a few little white lies that have been spoken, in order to protect the other's heart, their feelings, and to protect themselves from the possibility of losing their partner. So in other words, there have been white lies said in order to prevent their partner from leaving them. Those lies have been said out of fear of losing their partner and to prevent causing themself or their partner pain. 

So basically, there's dishonesty in the relationship (not a lot, but enough). As well as all of that, they're just starting out in life, and just like a car needs a jump start, sometimes couples get scared when they don't have a financial foundation. Many couples have a hard time, and endure feelings of insecurity when it comes to taking the next step, and building a life with one another. So we've established that the couple has a good amount of things going on with them, causing them turbulence. 

Now that we know that this particular couple has some issues that either need to be resolved, or they need to move on with their lives, and go in separate directions, you can somewhat develop an understanding for his or her perspective. Let's take a look into their perspectives now.

Letter to lover (her perspective)

She feels that it's manipulative and misleading for him to tell her that he thinks moving in with her is a great idea, and that he agrees that they should. Then, he embraces her with his warmth, love, and the touch of his hand. She could see it in his eyes, within his kiss, and in the way that he acted with her. He was very, very silly, which is just what she's seen him act like when he's at the top of the top of his feelings for her (If you can't tell, she knows him well). 

She can tell his love for her by the way that he rubbed her shoulders, in the way that he danced with her, and twirled her around in the park. It was just then that he kissed her, held her, loved her, and walked with her in a romantic way (not in a friendly way), and he couldn't keep his arms (or hands) off of her (nor did he want to). It was how he gracefully and gently took her arm the second they'd gotten out of the car to walk together. It was the way that he took the man's role as a gentleman, in the very way that he took her arm. It was in his energy, and it was in his very essence. He clearly loves her, and she knows it.

The fact of the matter is, she feels that he gets cold when she does something that hurts his feelings. She's well aware that that's the reason why he says and does things sometimes that he doesn't actually mean. This really confuses her. She feels it's because he gets hurt so badly, and that he subconsciously (or consciously) wants to hurt her back in any way that he can, despite the fact that he loves her. 

Being that he knows how she feels for him, she feels that he uses that to his advantage. She feels that because he feels hurt in that moment, he feels that he's lost his power, because she's done something to hurt him. The way in which he expresses his hurt, she believes he handles the wrong way. It seems that the only possible thing that he thinks that he can do to protect his "EGO" is to falsely tell her that he doesn't want her, doesn't think that they're a match, and anything else that he could possibly say in that very moment, going against his own true feelings that he really has. He's going against the very blood that runs through his veins.

She feels that if he truly wanted to be with her, that he would fight for her. She also feels that if he doesn't want her, and doesn't see the possibility of them having a future together, that he should let her go.

Letter to lover (his perspective)

Things are complicated, he's in love with her, completely enthralled and infatuated with her for many reasons. He feels he's attached to her. She's his love, his beauty, the inner-most warmth that he's ever felt. She's his torture and his very breath. The problem is that he's afraid to take the next step in their relationship, out of respect to his family, despite what he feels in his heart. 

He makes his reasoning to his love, that it's not solely for the sake of his family's honour, but it's mostly a financial reason. Either way, he won't commit to the love of his life, and he fights with himself on a daily basis for the mere fact of wanting what he can't have, but not being able to let it go. He's tried to let it go, and she's tried to move on. 

Then they've met up again, and being that they've built a foundation of honesty, despite the hiccups of white lies between them (which they currently try not to do anymore, being that they've developed better communication in that regard), she confesses what she's done, which brings him to his knees in pain, and other discomfort. Within his discomfort, he can't bare to have her know how deeply he was wounded, and therefore, he acts as if he no longer loves her, and no longer cares, even though he loves her so much, and that's the cause for his discomfort and pain. He's caught between his love for her and his ego. He can't bare the thought of her being with another person, because he's simply mad for her. 

The scenario:

Time went on, the couple went back-and-forth, from his mixed feelings of wanting her so intensely and passionately, yet not being able to commit to her for the sake of his family's pride, not enough of a financial foundation, and for the fear of taking that big step in life towards building a future together. As well, because of his ego and fighting with himself from the hurt that she causes him for trying to move on, being that he won't commit to her.

For me or anyone, it's easy to snap my fingers, say that this is a toxic relationship, and that they should go their separate ways. But, let's assume that both people in this relationship are being stubborn, not wanting to part ways. Their love is so powerful, that they end up longing for each other, and gaining more and more passion and love for one another, and more so with the distance that separates them. Between breakups and time apart, their feelings not only didn't dissipate, but they grew. It's sad that this couple is struggling so much. 

One of the hardest things for couples that go through making up and breaking up so often, is that it requires a tremendous amount of strength, resilience, and the belief system that every day is a new day, and a brand new start. The fact that this couple is willing to work on things is what commitment is all about. Despite the fact that I don't believe in breaking up and making up, I also believe in couples that have enough of a foundation, to work things out between them, head in the right direction, and as a team

This is why I felt that this couples scenario would be beneficial for others to read and develop insight towards. Many times we can benefit by taking a step back and looking into another couple's situation, and learning from it. It's almost like watching a movie on the big screen. 

The solution:

There are two different possible solutions that this couple should take. Like I said, I'm not a fan of the break up and make up pattern, as it's unstable, and causes both people too much heartache and pain for many reasons. Therefore, this couple needs to make a decision and stick to it. If they decide to stay together, then they need to take a few steps before doing so, so that it will actually work, and so that they'll be able to move forward together. If they decide to part, and go their separate ways, then they need to stick to that. Going back and forth with someone in a relationship is an action of uncertainty, confusion, and weakness. 

The fact of the matter is, if it isn't working, and you know that you can't or won't have a future with someone, you should end things. As well, if you see that there's no resolution, you should let go in a peaceful and kind manner. After all, you do love the person. It's a sign of true and utter love, when you know that you cannot be with someone ultimately, yet you still love them so much that you let them go, wishing them to find someone else that will bring them the happiness in which they long for and deserve.

If this couple decides to stay together, the issues as follows need to be resolved, and in a fast, but steady pace. The reason for the fast and steady pace is because they've been together for quite some time already. But, the most important reasoning for the speed in resolving their issues, is because their issues are basically "red flags." As you know, if you've read my previous articles, red flags are a sign to get out! However, in this particular scenario, this couple had a solid foundation of love, that exceedingly surpassed many issues and throughout a long duration, including distance. They both have the desire to work on things, and as a team. This is why this couple could work things out, if they're both wanting to, and if they're both willing to put in the effort. 

The couple needs to work on honesty. Honesty means no white lies. They need to work on gaining his family's love and acceptance of his girlfriend. He has the power to do so, and he just needs to let go of his fear. They need to discuss things as a couple in order to figure out a good financial plan in which they can make enough money as a team, in which they can have the lifestyle that they both would feel comfortable in. 

As well, he needs to control his ego, because when she confides in him with honesty, true, he feels hurt and wounded perhaps, but he wasn't taking the right steps at the time to prevent himself from getting those wounds. He let her go, setting her free, whereas leaving himself and her in agony, so she was trying to move on. If he would've expressed his true feelings of hurt, anger, and jealousy perhaps, and how his ego felt bruised, then they wouldn't have broken up many of the times that they did. However, his ego took over and pushed her away further. 

If he truly wants to be with her, he needs to put his ego aside, and step up to the plate. It's time to swing, and it could be a curve ball, and it could be a fast ball. That's the way the ball flies, and you never really know, unless you swing that bat. Last but not least, they both need to stop breaking up when an issue arises. Instead, they need to communicate their feelings in a healthy manner so that they can work things out. They need to make up their minds and stick to it! A breakup should only happen once, if at all. However, if they're going to work things out together, they need to take all of these steps, before even being in a relationship again.