Friday, September 4, 2015

We Need to Talk

There comes a time in a relationship when things have run its course. You've had as much as you can take and the relationship isn't going anywhere. You're not seeing eye to eye. In the beginning, you felt you were on the same page and wanted the same things ultimately, but things didn't exactly turn out the way you planned. One of you has to speak up soon, because you're not getting any younger, and you want out asap! The big question is, how to do this without hurting the other person. Well, you know what you have to do, and there's no time like the present. You have to say those four words that no one wants to say, and definitely, no one wants to hear. "We need to talk."

Ending things with someone that you've spent so much time with and gotten to know really well, is never easy. If there was a way to peace out from the relationship, without hurting the other person, I'm sure most of us would do that. Unfortunately, just as the relationship took a downfall and didn't end up like you'd planned, trying to break up without hurting someone, may not go exactly how you plan it as well. So the big question is, how do you break up without hurting the person or without hurting them as much? There's no easy answer to that. My best suggestion would be, to be direct, sensitive, understanding, and don't beat around the bush. Tell the person exactly how you feel, without leading them on to believe that there's still hope. 

There's no need to give hope to someone by saying things like, you just need some time, you need some space, or you need to take a step back from the relationship. When you know you don't want to be with someone for the long term, it's best to end things as soon as possible, without stalling. When you stall a break up, you're wasting the other person's time as well as your own. Even if you're okay with wasting your own time and giving yourself time to breathe, you're being selfish. If you wanted to wait to fully break up with the person as if it's in their benefit, you're wrong. You're likely afraid to hurt the person, and if you figured that slowly easing out of the relationship might be a better plan, you're wrong again. You're still wasting the other person's time by stalling. Get to the point and be straightforward! 

You shouldn't promise to stay friends, unless you started out as friends, and you feel that you can truly maintain a friendship. Even if that's the case, you might need time after your break up to heal from the relationship, and being friends with the person you were in a relationship with might not be as ready as you are to remain friends. It will likely be hard for both of you in that way, because you've likely gotten so used to each other. It might not be the best thing to stay friends with the person you're breaking up with until you both heal. I'll expand more on being friends or not in a different article. Staying on point, the way to start the conversation is usually pretty universal. Those four damn words are so hard to say, because the person is likely to know what's coming, especially, when you've been unhappy together for a while. 

It's important to be very clear when you tell the other person that you don't want to be with them anymore, even though, you know it could make them feel bad or cry. You have to do the right thing by being direct and brutally honest. If you know that the other person is very sensitive and could react to what you say, try to have the conversation over a cup of chamomile tea and in an environment that's private, not public. This is a private conversation and the other person deserves to have a conversation with you about the break up and especially, if it was a long term relationship. Be kind to the person you're breaking up with, even though you no longer want to be with them. A big way to show kindness to them, despite that you're calling it quits, would be to give them closure within thee break up conversation.

There are some ways that you should never break up with someone like, in a text message, email, on the phone, or in front of anyone else. A person deserves the same respect that you gave to them early on in the relationship, when you were crazy about them, during the honeymoon phase. The reason they deserve that kind of respect now, during a break up, is because you shared a lot of happy, honeymoon type of times together, and if at all possible, you should try to break up in a way that's kind, calm, and out of love. The point of dating and being in a relationship is to find the best possible match, and to go forward together and get married. If you truly love someone, you should love them even if they're not with you, and even if you find out that they're not the best match for you. 

It's not going to be easy to hurt the one you care for so much. Yes, it's okay and quite normal to not only care about the person you're breaking up with, but to still love them very much. The problem isn't lack of loving the person. The problem is that you're not the right match for each other and you need to find out who is. I believe it's always in both people's best interest to genuinely, wish each other the best and hope that they find what they're looking for, even if it hurts to say it or hear it. It's important to have friends, family, or some type of support in your life that can be there for you to comfort you for a few days if you need a friend, someone to talk or cry to, a shoulder to lean on, or even someone to give you a hug. For those that are going through a similar situation right now, I'm sending you a big hug and I hope you feel it. You're not alone and everything's going to be okay. Now, there will be room for the person that you're truly meant to be with, to come into your life.