Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Help! My Girlfriend Is Insecure, What Can I Do?

The scenario: 

At first, I thought the girl I started dating was merely being humble, when I would tell her how beautiful she was, getting the response of, "Oh, stop it!" She could never really accept a compliment when it was about how she looked. She's the most beautiful girl in the world to me. She's beautiful inside and out. However, her outer beauty is quite breathtaking and I could never imagine her to be insecure when I met her. She came across to me as this confident, independent, gorgeous woman, and I had to make her mine. We decided to be in an exclusive relationship. I couldn't bare the thought of her dating anyone else. Over time, I noticed that she would put herself down and it bothered me so much. It didn't bother me because I thought less of her, but it bothered me because I hated to see her feel bad about herself, and she always seemed down about the way she looked. I've tried over and over to tell her how beautiful she is, but I feel like she doesn't believe me. Everyone tells her how beautiful she is and it doesn't seem to faze her. Of course, I'm talking merely about her outer beauty right now. On the most part, she doesn't take compliments very well. But, on the occasion she says thank you and politely smiles at people, appreciating their kind words. The problem is that she doesn't believe them or me and I feel it's starting to take a toll on her and affect her happiness. I want to make her happy and I don't know what else to do.

- Anonymous

In this scenario, The boyfriend is obviously a loving and caring person. He's clearly trying to do whatever he can to make his girlfriend happy. The problem is that he can't make her happy, because he can't change the way she feels about herself. He can endlessly compliment her on her beauty, but it won't do any good, unless she changes her view of herself. She needs to work on herself and develop a better self-esteem. She needs to realize how beautiful she is on the outside. I truly believe that if she was truly happy with herself on the inside, then she would be more happy with her outer appearance as well. The only thing that her boyfriend can do is try to help. He can try to have a conversation with her and explain to her that what she's doing isn't good. 

It's possible that she doesn't realize how she's putting herself down. She may not be self-aware enough to realize that she's picking herself apart. She needs to start becoming aware of all of the beautiful things and gifts that she's received in life. The most that the boyfriend can do to help her is by helping her realize all of her beautiful gifts, like her health, all of her senses (which many of us take for granted of how important they are and how much pleasure they give), and all of the things that she does have in her life. The most important thing is that she knows that she has your love and support. You have to try to help her in a way where she doesn't feel judged. You're already dealing with an insecure person, so it's likely that she's sensitive. Just approach the conversation cautiously, with love, but be direct. If talking to her about being insecure doesn't work out, even though you've approached it in a kind and loving way, the only thing you can do to help her at that point, is to let her know how beautiful she is whenever you feel it, tell her. 

Another thing that you could do to try and help her overcome her insecurity, is call her out on what she says, when she's putting herself down. In other words, in the moment that she says something negative about herself, tell her not to put herself down, and be direct in your approach. As well, in that moment, make sure you let her know how beautiful she is and try to bring up her spirits. If you're too harsh when you confront her about not putting herself down without complimenting her and bringing up her confidence about her appearance, it won't go well, and she's likely to feel judged and attacked. If you're truly wanting her happiness, then you have to be patient and supportive of her. Make sure you approach her when she does that, in a very sweet manner, yet you still must maintain your direct approach. 

This is ultimately something that she's going to have to fix within herself. It's possible that during her upbringing, she didn't get the right kind of love and nurture from her family. There could be many reasons why she feels insecure about the way she looks. When someone puts themself down, it only enhances the negative feeling that they initially had about themselves. We all have good days and bad days as far as how we look. There are some days that you get more sleep, drink a lot of water, and eat a healthy, nutritious diet. On days when you really take care of yourself, you're likely to look more beautiful, than if you weren't taking very good care of yourself. Having said that, not everyone is beautiful on the outside. But, beauty really does come from within. I've met many people that weren't so pleasing to the eye at first. Once I got to know them, they became absolutely beautiful on the outside. Beauty fades, and we all get old and less physically attractive to some degree. It's always important, no matter how old we are, to love ourselves. Loving ourselves starts from within and we should be appreciative of everything that we have, all of our gifts, our inner beauty, and our outer beauty as well.

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