Friday, August 14, 2015

For Love or Money

When you're single, living in Los Angeles, New York, Europe, or anywhere, you come across two types of people. People that are driven and motivated by love and people that are driven and motivated by money. In the dating world, we all look for different things in other person. When you're self aware enough to know what you seek in someone, you'll know which one thing motivates you more. You'll be able to recognize when you're attracted to people for all of the right or wrong reasons. Despite what you may say, how you perceive yourself, or how others perceive you, we all have certain core values and beliefs that we live by. 

The other day, I asked someone a hypothetical, philosophical question. I asked, "If you had to choose between having your soulmate or being very wealthy, which would you choose?" Mind you, when I asked, I assumed that the response would be the same as mine. I presumed it was an easy, no-brainer type of question. But, I was wrong. It's a question that many people would have a different opinion on. I suppose, I always thought that everyone would prefer to have that one special person that was made for them. I thought that no amount of money could add up to the same gift as having your soulmate. What would have been your response? In this article, I wanted to go over some of the following thoughts and topics about dating someone for love or money. Let's say you had to choose!

Have you ever considered marrying someone that was rich, while hoping that the love would grow?

If my blog had sound effects, it would be like a siren blaring right now. Do people actually do that? This is an impossible thing to happen. You can't fall in love with someone you choose. Falling in love is something that happens naturally, as you get to know one another. There's attraction and chemistry involved. You can't expect that you can develop feelings by living a more comfortable lifestyle. It's ludicrous to think you can create true love. The most that could happen is you'd live a life of materialistic luxuries and feel lonely inside. To those people who feel that they can fall in love over time, real feelings will develop, and currently can barely stand to look at the person now, I sure hope you don't date anyone I know. I'd hate to see them hurt by a gold digging fool like you.

Would you date someone that you fell in love with, if they had very little money and lived at home? 

If you're willing to date someone that was working hard towards their goals, that's awesome! It takes a very strong personality to be able to date someone (with marital intentions), that still lives at home. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication towards the relationship and towards supporting your partner and their goals. If you can put off having all of your materialistic desires and the luxuries you may crave, then yes, date them! If you think you'll be happy with the love you share and what beautiful things you can have together in the present, then there's no reason why not. Being independent is extremely important when you're looking for a life partner. But, if one of you is living at home and saving up for that one big move, I say, by all means, live at home! 

I feel it's one of the most beautiful things when a woman or man supports each other (like a back bone) and sticks by their side when they have little to no money. It's the biggest way of showing someone you love them, for them, when you can be with them through the struggle. In order to date someone seriously that has little to no income, you have to be incredibly flexible and easy going about your plans together. You must keep in mind that you have the same ultimate goal and you're going towards it. Remember, this is a temporary situation and if you have each other's love and support, you can go a lot farther together.

Would you marry someone who didn't have a lot of money, but worked hard? 

This is a very similar question as the one above, except the person isn't living at home and we're referring to marriage. Whether a person is going to school to have a better career or simply working hard at their job, as long as they're motivated and driven towards their goals, I think it's more than okay to marry them. Keep in mind that this is a temporary situation. You both have a long term plan and this rough road isn't going to be easy, but it can be worth the wait. Remember the old saying, "Short term darkness, long term light." Be patient and supportive of each other and good things will come.

Would you prefer to wait, and meet someone you could experience love and money with? 

These are all personal preferences. If a person doesn't want to deal with "the hassle" of patience and wants to have everything in one person, it exists. However, you need to make sure your intentions are pure and you're in love with the person, not the lifestyle or what you get from them. It's one thing if you naturally meet someone who has both, love and a comfortable lifestyle. But, if you're on the prowl for it, I can't imagine that's a good thing for the other person.

Are you rich, miserable, and cheap? 

What a package! As a single person living in LA, I've come across many different people. There are people that are motivated and driven by money, power, and want to get to the top. Some people would do almost anything to get rich. People in that mindset, don't always go by the books. I think they hiccup or something and forget what it means to be a decent, righteous person. Some of the richest people that I've met, have come across to me as the most miserable souls. It's kind of sad actually. I'm sure that's not the case for everyone. I've also met people that were wealthy and had such beautiful hearts. I couldn't figure out why they were still single. 

Some wealthy people in their mid-forties, have still never been married. Those types of people have seemed to be the most miserable I've seen yet. I'm not sure what kind of perfect person they're looking for, but I hope they find it soon. I've noticed in the dating scene, that some of the richest people have been the cheapest to others (including their loved ones). In contradiction, I've also seen that people with the least amount of money and riches, act as the most generous and giving souls. This goes for the way people treat their partners, employees, workers, and homeless people, etc. 

I'm not sure if it's karma or the choices those people have made that they're still single, but I can't imagine being cheap and stingy is the way to go. You would think that the richer the person, the more they would give. I believe sometimes that is in fact the case. I've seen it myself! For those who live their lives, aware that they're a bit stingy with others, but have the ability to be givers, may G-d Bless you with becoming more self aware and sympathetic towards others less fortunate (or as you might say, don''t work as hard) as yourself.

Is she a gold digger?

We all know the term by now. This is 2015. Is this girl (or guy) using you for money? Does she have a plan? Can you imagine ever asking her to sign a prenup and her saying yes? Speaking from someone who lives in Los Angeles, I can say it's quite common for people to ask if you'd ever sign a prenup. Dating in LA has gotten so awkward already that people are weary of being "Googled," so they hesitate when you simply want to know their last name. Well, I think it's important to know someone's last name, but I don't agree with Googling people. A little mystery can be good. You should get to know a person by talking and asking questions. That's what dating is for. 

Adding people that you plan to date on social media is okay, if both being are comfortable. But, going behind someone's back to get their "scoop" is kinda messed up. If the person you're dating seems overly interested in knowing your financial history and has unreasonable, materialistic expectations, I'd be weary of getting too close. You should never assume that a person is after you for the wrong reasons, but you should be aware of the signs. Make sure the other person is with you because they love you and enjoy your company. Listen to the questions people ask you on early dates. This could prevent a lot of people trying to use others. Make sure the person is with you for you, and not the life you could provide.

Is the first question you ask someone, "What do you do for a living?"

I've decided to take a different approach at dating, because of all of the wounded men out there that have been taken advantage of by materialistic, gold diggers. If you think it's bad to change the way you approach dating because of the way others have been wounded, that's your opinion. This change is easy and painless, so I'm okay with it. Before having a first date, I try to get to know someone a little bit on the telephone. It doesn't matter how you communicate, as long as you talk on the phone as well. I don't ask a man what he does for a living until I know there's chemistry. It doesn't matter what someone does for work, if you don't even know if you like the person or not. Once you meet a person and go on that first date, you can see if there's chemistry and if you're even attracted to the person. After that, ask what the person does for work. 

Since when do we base everything on what a person does for work! Don't get me wrong, a lot of men like to talk about their work, and you should want to hear about it. If someone asks me what I do or wants to tell me what they do, I'd be glad to talk about it. It's just not my preference to talk about it, before knowing a little bit about the person first. In Los Angeles, a lot of men tend to be wealthy. Perhaps that's a bold statement, but it's true. Not every man is wealthy, but a great deal of them are. When someone is on the wealthier side, they tend to be more cautious and try finding people to date that aren't materialistic, gold diggers. Some wealthier people like to show off their money and possessions, assuming it will attract more women. I entirely disagree with that method. If you want to be loved for you, show the frosting later. The mystery of not knowing what someone does for living on a first date is kind of nice. 

When I was 19 years old and I met my ex-husband, it was at some point during the date that he asked me, "So don't you want to know what I do for a living?" I was merely 19 years old and I simply smiled and said, "I know already, you're a Doctor." He asked me how I knew that and I told him the truth. When we walked into the restaurant, he gave the hostess the name that the reservation was under, uttering "Doctor" before it. He continued as he smiled, saying, "But, you don't know what kind of Doctor." Now, you must keep this in mind. When we met by coincidence, he approached me and we talked. His job was the last thing on my mind. 

It was his gentleman-like way, charm, confidence, and chemistry that won me over enough to give him my phone number. Did I mention how much he pursued me? It was awesome! Anyway, it wasn't until after our first phone call and on our first date, when he brought up what he did for a living. My point is, there's no need to pry and rush into asking a person what they do for a living, when you don't know if there's any chemistry yet. First, see if you like the person and it should be a casual conversation. I think that most men can appreciate when a woman doesn't ask what he does for a living so quickly. Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Over time, as you get to know the person, you can be proud of them for all of their achievements and accomplishments. You'll have the the rest of your lives to tell them how proud you are of them. 

I'm not saying to play a game and go out of your way not to talk about what you do for a living. I don't agree with that. I just think that it shouldn't be the first question. Some people ask me what I do before even knowing my name. I find that to be kind of strange. I can't imagine how the men of LA feel, when women ask them, "So, what do you do?" before even having a first date. It's good to know if someone's going to be a good provider and will give you the security that you want. But why would you want to know if someone will give you all of that, before even knowing if you like them. I simply feel it's better to fall in love with the person, whether they have money or not.

My father once told me something that stuck with me. If I remember correctly, he hustled back to the car from 711 getting his coffee, and he seems so excited. He wanted to share with me and tell me about a girl he recently met. I'll never forget the energy of this conversation. He said that when this girl asked him what he did for a living, he told her. He told me that he loved her response. She said, "Are you happy with what you do?" He told me that she genuinely acted as if she cared more about how he feels about what he does and if he enjoys his work, than about what he actually does. Apparently, she didn't come across as materialistic, and that's what my dad usually went for (big hearted, non-materialistic women). I think the most important thing is that a person is happy with what they do for a living and feels good about themselves. 

I once had someone tell me that they jump up in the morning, hop out of bed, and love going to work. That's the most awesome thing to hear! I've also known people that dreaded going to work, would cancel their appointments, and with no good reason, other then they didn't feel like going. Who wants to be at a job that they hate and feel miserable about. Who wants to know their partner works at a job that he's unhappy about and doesn't enjoy. I think it's truly unfortunate when people don't go after their dreams and end up having jobs that they don't love. Having said this, I think it's more important to have a job you love and make less money, than to make a lot of money doing something you hate. But, most of all, it's the most beautiful thing when your partner loves you, despite what you do or how much money you have or make.