Friday, December 4, 2015

3 Things They Don't Tell You About Having a Baby

The following is a guest post by New Crunchy Mom:

There are so many things that people fail to mention to couples that are expecting a baby. The hospital just kind of sends you on your way home with no warnings and this little creature that resembles you and your spouse… just kidding, your baby will look like a potato.

There is no instruction manual that comes with your baby and all of their cries sound the same. "Is he poopy?" you may ask. "I don't know, maybe he's hungry?" your spouse will respond. This will be a fun guessing game for the two of you, until you both realize you have no idea why your bundle of joy is upset, but you do know that both of you have sustained hearing loss in one ear.

This is just the beginning! Here are 3 things they don't tell you about bringing home a baby:

1. Sleep deprivation will make you crazy.

Sleep? What's that? Oh, you mean that thing that people who DON'T have kids do? Yeah, I haven't done that in… I can't remember how long, actually. 

The mere sight of your spouse sleeping will make you angry. It's three in the morning, your beloved has gotten more sleep than you and it's not fair. Instead of remembering that people usually sleep at night, you quietly stew and glare in their general direction.

To top it off, as soon as you get your spawn fed and falling back asleep, the poop from hell will descend upon your baby's bowels and fill their diaper with the stench of death. 

It is dark, there is poop overflowing from the diaper, and you are ready to vomit now. I suggest saying, "Hi honey, the baby wants you!" as you gently wake your spouse up, hand over the baby and then fleeing for your life. It's the only way to make it out alive!

2. Babies are birth control.

Don't worry about deciding what type of birth control you should choose at your six-week postpartum checkup! What the doctors and nurses failed to tell you about is this: Your child will have an internal radar that will inform it to wake up from a dead slumber anytime your spouse gets within a few inches of you.

Every. Single. Time. Your baby wants to be an only child, or at least acts like it. 

3. You will learn to act like you know what you are doing.

After changing your baby's diaper, feeding them and making sure that they don't have hair wrapped around one of their tiny body parts, you will cuddle them to sleep assured that nothing is wrong beyond them being tired. You will pat yourself on the back for being able to calm your baby down and knowing what they needed. Then, you'll wake up with a baby on your chest and realize that you also fell asleep, and are now covered in baby drool. Your ovaries will tell you that baby drool is the cutest substance in the entire world, and you must have more.

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