In honor of the fabulous Anne Cohen (LOVE HER!), I’ve decided to write a 2-part series about all of my exes. I’m doing this both as a cathartic exercise - reading Anne’s columns has taught me how important catharsis is in moving on from relationships! - and also because I think these girls are just swell. I love all of them, I would honestly marry any one of them if they came back.. Finally, by compiling this list, I hope to demonstrate to all of you how much of a worldly pimp I am.
I am presenting them in chronological order:
1. Victoria Eisner
Victoria is the founder of Glamsquad aka “Uber for Hair”. She went to Brooklyn Law School - her nickname for it is the “BK Broiler”. She is the one who convinced ME to go to law school. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, she is Jewish. However, she has the cutest little button nose! I met her at my bar mitzvah - I told my friend to invite all of the girls from HIS bar mitzvah to mine, so she came too. It was really cool, I was like “woah! Holy shit - there’s some hot girls at my bar mitzvah!!” (this was probably like 6 months after I got my first boner btw..)
2. Katie Kadue
Katie is the cutest, most lovable cartoon character. She is a third generation Yalie - a very high class girl. She is getting a PhD in comparative literature. I wrote her a poem in French and it is straight fire. She is a really good writer too! She is soooo funny. Katie was my only girlfriend ever who was not even partially Jewish. And you know what? I didn’t mind. Her family was hardcore Presbyterian, they went to church every week. I realized I really don’t care about whether or not a girl is Jewish - all that matter is that she is religious. I think I can be with anyone who comes from a religious background - however, atheism is a huge turn-off for me.
3. Jenn Barta
Jenn is an artist, so she was very intimidating. She was my classmate in college and was considered the meme “prettiest girl in the dining hall” - you know what I mean? I can’t believe she ever dated me, holy shit, how did I pull that off? If you would have told “College Mahbod” that it would someday happen, I would have had a huge grin. Jenn’s dad is a classical musician, so you would think that she would be really into my piano playing, but she wasn’t. She was more of an “indie rock girl” - in fact, she put me onto the genre. (My life has been much, much more emo ever since!)