Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Emotionally Unavailable: Wanting What's Unavailable, Because It's Unavailable


There are many different ways in which people are emotionally unavailable (EU), so I felt the need to separate some of the different ways into different articles. One of the ways that people act in an emotionally unavailable way is by wanting what they can't have. There are many ways that people display this act. In this article, I wanted to go over some of the ways that people display this act, and why they're doing it. As well, I'd like to help people become more self aware, and recognize the damage, and pain it can cause to themselves, and others. In addition, I wrote this for those that are emotionally unavailable, and wanting what they can't have, because they can't have it. I'm hoping that this will open their eyes, and make them more self aware, and start to see how it can delay them, and others in finding their one true love. 

Sometimes people want what they can't have, out of a place where they thrive on the chase. Being that men are predominantly the aggressors as far as dating, and relationships go, etc., they're usually the ones that tend to chase women. Men that take "the chase" to an extreme level usually fall into the category of being emotionally unavailable. The reason that those types fall into the class of being EU is because once the chase is over, they no longer want what they were chasing. People like this usually only want to know that they can attain something, and aren't necessarily in it for the long run. Don't get me wrong, being emotionally unavailable doesn't define anyone as being a bad person. It merely defines someone as being emotionally unavailable, not very self-aware, and definitely, not in a place to be dating anyone. When someone thrives on the chase to the extreme, they usually get bored, and lose interest once they attain what they wanted. 

When someone is emotionally unavailable (EU), they're not ready to date, be in a relationship, and definitely, not ready to get married. There are many reasons that a person becomes emotionally unavailable. A person could be a widow, recently had gone through a heartbreak, recently out of a long-term relationship, they were raised in an unhealthy environment, they don't have pure intentions, or they're just looking to hook up, or "have fun," as well as many other reasons. When you find out that the person that you're dating is emotionally unavailable, you need to get out of that situation as soon as possible. There's no sense in getting attached to someone that will never get attached to you as well. Why put yourself through that heartache. 

When we're talking specifically about the type of person that wants what they can't have, we're dealing with a person that's completely disconnected from their emotions. Well, maybe not 100% completely, but they're pretty much up there. Many times people start dating someone, and possibly for a while, but the emotionally unavailable person finds things wrong with the person, or the situation, and why it's not right for them. They may put the blame on the other person, saying that they have certain issues that they simply can't deal with, or find reasons that they're not a good match (which to you never really seemed like very logical reasons), or they put the blame on themself. Sometimes, when an emotionally unavailable person tells you that, "it's not you, it's me," they're not referring to that Seinfeld episode that we all know and love. They're more so referring to the fact that they realize that they're unable to let themselves love you. Also, that they're incapable of opening their heart up to you and letting you in. They can't commit to you, and either realize that they have a problem, or are in complete denial of it.

When a person is emotionally unavailable, they're not "out to get you." An emotionally unavailable person not only causes damage, hurt, and anger to people that they date, or get into relationships with, but they cause the most pain to themselves. You see, an EUP is constantly in battle, and fighting with themself, and their emotions. They fight with themselves, because they want things, desire things, are able to attain things that they want, but they won't let themselves, because they're afraid to get close to anyone. An EUP is afraid to get close for the reasons I listed above. Having said that, it's never a safe bet, nor a good idea to date, or get into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. 

One very common thing that emotionally unavailable people do is let the person that they're dating go for this and that reason. They don't usually have logical reasons for letting them go, but they could. If they don't have logical reasons, they just start throwing out reasons that they think will make sense to you (especially, if you're dating a smart or intellectual emotionally unavailable person). Once the EUP lets the person that they've dated go, setting them free, they might hear of, or notice that the very person that they'd recently (or not) dated has moved on, and found someone else. This does wonders for the emotionally unavailable person! Suddenly, that very person that they'd turned down becomes more appealing to them, seeing them with someone else. This is an example of when an EUP wants what's unavailable to them, because it's unavailable. 

When a person can't connect to their emotions, and to their feelings, they're usually unable to fall in love with you, or at least, have that love be real, and genuine. The reason that an emotionally unavailable person doesn't "truly" love the person that's suddenly unavailable to them (that they've recently dated, as per my example), is because an EUP usually tends to want what they can't have. As well, once they have it, they likely won't want it anymore, unless they've truly worked on being more of an emotionally available person. An emotionally unavailable person likes the chase more than anyone else, which adds to them liking the game of playing "hard to get." The only way to obtain the love of an EUP, is by playing hard to get, but that doesn't mean that there won't be problems down the line, and in the long run, if you do end up with them. I'd say it's actually much more likely that problems could arise.

Unless an emotionally unavailable person works on themself, recognizes that they have a problem, and learns to completely open up their heart to others, they will never find true happiness in love or in life. Being emotionally unavailable isn't something permanent, and can be worked on. Having said that, no one should be dating, or let themselves get attached to someone that they can already tell is emotionally unavailable. An EUP can heal, have an open heart, and love someone, just like anyone else. But first, they must recognize that they have a problem, understand that they're not ready to date or get into a new relationship, and know the consequences that it could bring to others, and to themselves when they date and so on, before being ready. 

Sometimes it takes more than just "time" to heal, for a person that's emotionally unavailable into becoming emotionally available. Sometimes it takes reading a lot of self help books, going to therapy, confiding in someone that's more of the wise, or inspirational type of being, perhaps a Rabbi, Priest, family member, or a really good friend that you trust. Either way, whomever the EUP decides to confide in, if at all, it's going to take a lot of work, time, effort, and knowledge before being able to fall in love again. But, the only thing that would be holding them back if they don't change, is themselves.

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