Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Meeting the Parents and NOT Being Accepted

You've been dating someone for awhile and now you're in an exclusive relationship with them. You really love the person, but there's one problem, your parents don't approve. They don't really have a good reason why they don't like the person. It's just their instinctive feeling they say, and they refuse to talk about it very much. All you know is that it's hard on you, your partner, and on your family as well. You feel torn and under pressure. All you keep saying to yourself is, "How can I choose between my family and my partner?" Well, that's a decision that only you can make and you shouldn't stall a decision like that for too long. Especially, when there are so many hurtful emotions being swung around repeatedly. Neither of you should expect to win over your parent's hearts over night. It may take a long time before anything changes, if at all. However, you have to eventually make a decision on whether or not to take things forward with your partner. It's a personal decision that you have to make and that you'll have to live with for the rest of your life. You have to come to terms with the fact that you may never win your parents hearts over, despite how you handle the situation. You may give it all of the time in the world with hopes that over time, they'll approve. But, there are no guarantees, and that's something that you need to know, if you choose to go forward with your partner.

Once you've made a decision to be with this person for the long term, you've made your decision. Depending upon how important it is to have your family's approval of the person you want to end up with, you have to make the wisest decision for yourself. If you think about it, your parents decided to be together and they're going to lead their own lives. The person that you pick to be with forever is going to be the person that you lead your life with. You have to make the best decision for yourself, because this is your life, and you need to do what makes you happy. Your parents have made a decision for themselves where they're happy and you have to do the same for yourself. Many times parents give their children an overpowering, controlling opinion whether they realize it or not. By doing so, it's not letting their children be who they want to be and make the best decisions for themselves. Those parents are dominating and taking control over their children more than they should be. Having said that, I don't believe in going out of your way to disrespect your parents or your family's wishes. I merely believe in living your own life and ultimately, deciding what's best for you, so that you can lead a happy life. 

Going against your parents wishes is an extremely difficult thing to do. Some people won't even consider causing turbulence in the family and marrying someone that the family disapproves of, let alone, be in a relationship with them. Others, I wouldn't call rebellious for doing so, but they try to lead their own lives, making the best decisions for themselves that they'll be happy with. People that are just doing whatever they want and going against their family's wishes for the mere sake of being rebellious, have deeper rooted issues, and that's a whole other subject. There are many traditions in life that go way back, originating from cultural, religious, or just good old family traditions in which people want to keep the family pattern of what they've been taught, what they've seen, heard, and been brought up with. Keeping family traditions can be a beautiful thing, but there's good and bad in doing so. I truly believe that it's a very personal decision whether or not to keep family traditions, religious traditions, or cultural traditions, etc. I can't tell you what to do or what to believe in, nor do I want or intend to do so. I can simply give you my personal opinion on these matters. But, this article isn't about my opinion on family traditions, etc. and whether or not to keep them. It's about what to do when you've made the decision to be with someone for the long term, with hopes for marriage at some point, and how to deal with the disapproval of your family. 

When you're dating someone or are in a relationship and your family disapproves of the person, my best advice would be to kill them with kindness. It's not going to be easy to do this. Killing people with kindness is never an easy task. But, it's something that I truly believe works wonders in many areas of life. You may not get the outcome that you want ultimately when you kill with kindness, but at least you'll be in a better place with yourselves, the situation, and it won't be as bad as it could be if you took any other route. Things could get as bad as family disowning their child, if they're that extreme about keeping family, religious, or cultural traditions. That's a personal decision that you have to make, when your family is that extreme or fanatical. I personally don't believe in fanatics and doing things in an extreme way. Moderation is the key to life. Having said that, if you're willing to risk losing your family over choosing this person, that's a personal decision that only you can answer for yourself. 

As far as situations where your parents don't accept the person you want to be with, but they still want you in their life, you need to kill them with kindness. It's imperative that your partner kills them with kindness as well. You need to have good communication with your partner on this subject and be very understanding of the partner that's not being accepted, because it will be very hard for them to deal with those emotions alone. Some people can't take it and will peace out when they're not accepted by someone's parents. Others will just simply hold all of their heartache inside and handle it all alone, if they don't have your support. Remember to be loving and supportive of your partner during this time and always. Not being accepted by someone's parents when you're dating the person, can be one of the most painful experiences. Especially, when a person views having close family as such a beautiful thing, whether it be yours or theirs. 

I was in a beyond similar situation once, more than a few years ago. The parents of the person that I was in a relationship with didn't approve of me for certain reasons that were out of my control. When there's something that you can change within yourself to improve yourself or the situation, there's nothing wrong with improving, if it's for the benefit of growing and becoming a better person. However, there are certain things that you can't change, nor are you willing to change about yourself or your situation, in order to make someone like you better or so that they'll accept you more. Having said that, in my scenario, the family loved me, all except for the mother of the person that I was in a relationship with. One day the mother would be kind to me and say hello. The next day, she'd literally ignore me to my face when I would say hello to her. It was like living, breathing, torture. I was literally shocked the first time I was ignored by her. She treated me like I wasn't in the room and acted as if she couldn't hear me talk. It was so incredibly hurtful, because all I wanted was her love and acceptance. Believe it or not, I felt so much love towards her, despite the way that she treated me. After all, she brought up and raised someone that I adored for a long time. I never knew what to expect in her personality and whether or not she'd be friendly to me for her own personal reasons. Remember, you can't ever change someone else, someone else's views, or their opinions of you. So you shouldn't bother trying, especially, after a certain point. All I could do, because I wanted to be with that person at the time, was kill her with kindness, and so I did. 

Unfortunately, at the time, I didn't have the support of my partner in being there for me, because of many reasons that I personally can't comprehend and in all honesty, there's never a good enough reason why someone shouldn't be loving and supportive of their partner. Especially, when they're going through something like that where it's your family that doesn't accept them. That's a time when you need to be the most supportive and understanding of your partner and their feelings. Especially, when they're killing your family with kindness, in hopes to one day gain their love. It took her a long time to come around and be loving and kind to me, but to this day, she is, despite the fact that I don't want to be with her son anymore. Towards the end of that relationship, there was a point when she was more stable with her feelings towards me, and she acted kind and loving, likely, because she saw how kind and good I was to her son and how much I cared for him. How can a mother not like someone, even a little at least, when they're so good to their child! It's beyond me, because I can't figure that one out. To this day, when I pass the mother or his family on the street, they're kind and loving to me, and I can tell that they'd still want me with him if I was interested. I suppose you could say that the tables have turned, and things are night and day different now. It wasn't easy staying with a person that didn't give me the love and understanding that I deserved while going through a situation like that. 

It's important that you never have expectations to fully gain another person's love and acceptance. The most that you can count on for sure, is that things won't be as bad as they would've been, if you handled things differently, like fought them on the subject repeatedly, and without much success. There's only so much that you can debate and disagree with, when it comes to the subject of "accepting you." You shouldn't have to tell someone how good you are. They should know, by giving you a chance and seeing all of the beauty that's within you. A person that doesn't accept you without knowing you, hasn't opened up their heart for their own judgmental reasons. It's unfortunate but true, that many people judge others without even knowing them or giving them a chance to get to know them. People judge others on many things from how they look, their race, their religion, their ethnicity, their education, if they're divorced, if they have children from a previous marriage, what kind of job they have, and much more. What a lot of judgmental people are forgetting, is that each and every person has a soul and that we're all human, and we all deserve a chance to be accepted and loved by the parents of someone that we love and care for. If you do decide to be with someone that your family disapproves of, make sure to give your partner a lot of love and support. They're gonna need it. I hope that none of you have to experience or endure the type of heartache that I've experienced in the example above. But, if you are experiencing something of the sort or know someone that's experiencing something like that, please be kind to them and understanding, because it's not easy, and I'm sure that they could use your love and support.